$100 worth of free content to the guy who tells the best joke - GoFuckYourself.com

Paul Markham · 12-02-2004, 09:51 AM

$100 worth of free content to the guy who tells the best joke

I need cheering up, at home sick, so there it is. $100 worth of free content to the guy who tickles my ribs the most by Monday lunch time.

Project-Shadow · 12-02-2004, 09:53 AM

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

... Oldie but goodie

Fake Nick · 12-02-2004, 09:54 AM

gimme the loot !

candyflip · 12-02-2004, 09:58 AM

A busybody visited her bachelor neighbor and said, "You're 45 years old and have never been married. I have alovely niece your age. Say the word and I'll introduce you."

"Don't bother," the bachelor said. "I have two sisters who look after all my needs."

The meddlesome woman replied, "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.:

The bachelor said, "I said two sisters. I didn't say they were my sisters."

Tala · 12-02-2004, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by candyflip
A busybody visited her bachelor neighbor and said, "You're 45 years old and have never been married. I have alovely niece your age. Say the word and I'll introduce you."

"Don't bother," the bachelor said. "I have two sisters who look after all my needs."

The meddlesome woman replied, "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.:

The bachelor said, "I said two sisters. I didn't say they were my sisters."

Platinumpimp · 12-02-2004, 10:00 AM

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He was feeling a little split

Tala · 12-02-2004, 10:05 AM

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. Much to her embarrassment, he shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

volante · 12-02-2004, 10:06 AM

What's three feet long and fucks chickens?

An axe.

jacked · 12-02-2004, 10:08 AM

what do you call a black priest?

holy shit...

fris · 12-02-2004, 10:10 AM

What's the difference between dog shit and n-i-g-g-e-rs?
When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking.

brizzad · 12-02-2004, 10:11 AM

so a guy walks into a bar and he's like ouch

so a baby seal walks into a club...

brizzad · 12-02-2004, 10:12 AM

why arent there any puerto ricans on star trek?

well hell they wont work in the future either

Tala · 12-02-2004, 10:12 AM

This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that
Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

demented · 12-02-2004, 10:13 AM

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man
replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice
try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you
think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady
says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

candyflip · 12-02-2004, 10:15 AM

Drinking the new low-carb beer is similar to making love in a canoe.

Both are fucking close to water.

candyflip · 12-02-2004, 10:18 AM

What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp dick?

You don't fuck with either one.

Chasing The Dragon · 12-02-2004, 10:23 AM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a
quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb.
can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was
unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the cashier.

He said, 'You must be single.'

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing
nothing particularly unusual about her selections she
said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Neal · 12-02-2004, 10:25 AM

Why is PMS called PMS

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

Jace · 12-02-2004, 10:27 AM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

dodger21 · 12-02-2004, 10:27 AM

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they stink.

Olix · 12-02-2004, 10:43 AM

I Love You.

Now that was a joke.

Paul Markham · 12-02-2004, 10:46 AM

Some good ones so far, but nothing great.

Snake Doctor · 12-02-2004, 11:02 AM

A guy is driving down the interstate at 100MPH in the middle of the night.
He's swerving from lane to lane and can't seem to stay on the road.

A state trooper pulls him over, walks up to the window and says "son, have you been drinking tonight?"

The driver replies "No, why do you ask? Do I have a fat chick in the car with me?"

Paul Markham · 12-02-2004, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lenny2
A guy is driving down the interstate at 100MPH in the middle of the night.
He's swerving from lane to lane and can't seem to stay on the road.

A state trooper pulls him over, walks up to the window and says "son, have you been drinking tonight?"

The driver replies "No, why do you ask? Do I have a fat chick in the car with me?"

Good one.

Fred Quimby · 12-02-2004, 03:41 PM

"The Farmer In Training"

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck.

The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way.

Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly." The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home.

Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???"

Paul Markham · 12-02-2004, 11:49 PM

Paul Markham · 12-04-2004, 12:45 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

ProjectNaked · 12-04-2004, 12:51 AM

- trail marker placed -

WombRaider · 12-04-2004, 12:54 AM

Oldie but goodie.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

Gently he takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.

Let's have a cup of coffee, then ...........he sighed,

"let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

DX · 12-04-2004, 12:57 AM

Two-term President of the United States of America , George W. Bush.

The Apprentice · 12-04-2004, 01:26 AM

"Wassup JaceXXX?"

"Not much Apprentice, watchin' the game having a bud, true true..."

"Hey, you're not sucking your own..."

"WAAAZAAAAAP?!?!?"

"Holy shit, it's Charly, he made it to America!"

"WAAAZAAAA!!!"

"Hold on, i got a call... It's Tala."

"WAAAZAAAA!!!"

"AAAAAAA!!!"

"BLEAAAAA!!!"

"UGHAAAAAAAUUUUUUHHH!!!"

"Man, ya'll must be up out cho' mind!"

Satan · 12-04-2004, 01:32 AM

There was this toad who hated being green. He wanted to be different from the other toads. One day while he was sitting by the pond he said" I wish i was yellow!" and *poof* there appeared his fairy godmother. She waved her majic wand and *poof* the toad looked at himself and the only part of him that had turned green was his dick.
"OMG, all my friends will laugh at me fairygodmother. What am i going to do?" she said " GO visit the wizard of Oz ...he will help you." so off went the toad to see the wizard of Oz.

Down the road there was an elephant who wanted to be different. One day he said " I wish i was pink!" then *poof* the fairy godmother appear and she waved her majic wand *poof* the elephant look down at himself and the only part of him that had turned pink was his dick.
He said "all my friends will laugh at me ...what am i going to do!?" she said " Go see the wizard of Oz and he'll help you." The elephant said" I don't know how to get there " to which the fairygodmother replied " FOLLOW THE YELLOW DICK TOAD"

Jeff aka NIGHTfall · 12-04-2004, 01:38 AM

who was the best jewish cook?

hitler

colpanic · 12-04-2004, 01:44 AM

Ok, here ya go..

So this guy walks into a psychitrists office, totally butt naked but wrapped in saran wrap.

He says, "Doc, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am losing it."

Doc says, Well, I can clearly see your nuts!

colpanic · 12-04-2004, 01:46 AM

Different guy comes into the psychiatrists office, and says:

Doc, I keep having these terrible dreams! First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam.. then Im a teepee, then Im a wigwam.... What is wrong with me!!!

Doc says, you need to relax son, yer two tents!

Cmon, thats prime stuff!

neverlearn · 12-04-2004, 02:05 AM

Q:Knock , Knock
A:Who There
Q:STFU YOU TROLL SURFER BIACTCH

ha

ha

ha

Paul Markham · 12-04-2004, 12:04 PM

A young couple on the verge of divorce visit a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asks the wife what the problem is.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and asks "Is this true?"
The husband replies "No, not really. It's her that suffers not me."

NoCarrier · 12-04-2004, 12:09 PM

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out,
he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come
home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the
package open on the table and his parrot eats all of them.

Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him
into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it
is hours later before he remembers the parrot. He runs and looks in
the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing
heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet
you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"

The parrot pants: "Man, why didn't you tell me the chicken was frozen?."

Sama · 12-04-2004, 02:04 PM

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

tranza · 12-04-2004, 02:41 PM

Nobody won?

NoCarrier · 12-04-2004, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by tranza
Nobody won?

Quote:

Originally posted by charly
100 worth of free content to the guy who tickles my ribs the most by Monday lunch time.

neverlearn · 12-04-2004, 03:09 PM

why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?

he was dead

jukeboxfrank · 12-04-2004, 03:25 PM

the Greens and the Browms were having dinner together when the conversation turned to sex. You see the greens have not had sex for 3 yrs but they whet to see the renowned doctor ken and with his help they now have sex 4 times a day. It seems that Dr ken has made sex fun for the couple by playing little games.
The Greens said one of their favorite was where Mr green would take a grape and place it on his wife belly and roll it down it till he put it in his wife and latter eat her out to get it back and his wife would trow donuts over her husbands cock until one fell over on it then she would eat the donut off his cock. Well the browns when home and tried it but it did not work for them. So they called the Greens and asks for the doctors number to make an appointment for themselves. The next day they when to see Dr Ken and after a very stricken exam the doctor said My reputation is important to me and as such I much say I can not help you. Well the greens could not believe what they just heard,so they pleaded with the Doctor till he finally said OK OK .
Mr green go to the market and get a watermelon and Mrs green
at the same store get a box of Cheerios.

neverlearn · 12-04-2004, 03:25 PM

So theres a bear and a rabbit sitting down together to take a shit on this fallen tree in the forest

Howareya doin Mr.Bear? says Rabbit

NotbadMr.Rabbit...say...I gotta question...Do you have any problems with the shit stickin' to your fur? says bear

Why no Mr bear...and you? says rabbit

Nope...says Mr . Bear

Then Bear picks up Mr Rabbit and wipes his ass with him

Paul Markham · 12-05-2004, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by tranza
Nobody won?

Not yet.

NaughtyRob · 12-05-2004, 12:31 AM

I have all the content that I could ever want but thanks for the offer, cool contest.

KRL · 12-05-2004, 12:32 AM

Just go to my jokes site. Loads of raunchy humor.

http://www.DirtyJokes.com

monaro · 12-05-2004, 12:39 AM

okay something that might make you laugh, infact it made me cry.

While I was driving down the highway the other day, (going a little
faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a
copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper
pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising
smirk, asked:
"Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do
you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."
Speeding ticket: $185.00
Penalty Points: 3
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

basschick · 12-05-2004, 12:52 AM

what do you call a shemale nun?

a trans-sister ;-)

emthree · 12-05-2004, 02:18 AM

The chicken crossed the road, to fuck the toad

12-02-2004, 09:51 AM	#1
Paul Markham Too old to care Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: On the sofa, watching TV or doing my jigsaws. Posts: 52,943	$100 worth of free content to the guy who tells the best joke $100 worth of free content to the guy who tells the best joke I need cheering up, at home sick, so there it is. $100 worth of free content to the guy who tickles my ribs the most by Monday lunch time. __________________ Blowout deal. 880 videos, 2,400 image sets, plus many RAW videos. $500. PM me for a deal. Skype Paulmarkham70

12-02-2004, 09:58 AM	#4
candyflip Carpe Visio Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: New York Posts: 43,064	A busybody visited her bachelor neighbor and said, "You're 45 years old and have never been married. I have alovely niece your age. Say the word and I'll introduce you." "Don't bother," the bachelor said. "I have two sisters who look after all my needs." The meddlesome woman replied, "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.: The bachelor said, "I said two sisters. I didn't say they were my sisters." __________________ Spend you some brain. Email Me

12-02-2004, 10:00 AM	#6
Platinumpimp Logos and such. Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Kingdom of the Netherlands Posts: 10,214	Why did the banana go to the doctor? He was feeling a little split __________________ I design logo's.

12-02-2004, 10:05 AM	#7
Tala Fucked if I know Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Do you have a flag? Posts: 23,368	A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. Much to her embarrassment, he shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" __________________ ICQ: 11120676 \| Google: mindcrime \| Skype: suitemindcrime\|E-Mail: mindcrime AT gmail.com\|PR girl with great writing skills for hire!!!! Contact me to work for YOU!\|TECHIEMEDIA? 24/7 support from some of the best techs in the biz. Tell Jim that I sent you.

12-02-2004, 10:08 AM	#9
jacked sperm tail Industry Role: Join Date: May 2004 Location: nj Posts: 11,019	what do you call a black priest? holy shit... __________________ Got Cam Models? icq: 361-607-616

12-02-2004, 09:53 AM	#2
Project-Shadow Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 7,340	Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. ... Oldie but goodie

12-02-2004, 09:54 AM	#3
Fake Nick So Fucking Banned Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: go troll goo! Posts: 7,708	gimme the loot !

12-02-2004, 10:06 AM	#8
volante Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: LAX Immigration Posts: 2,940	What's three feet long and fucks chickens? An axe.

12-02-2004, 10:10 AM	#10
fris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 55,372	What's the difference between dog shit and n-i-g-g-e-rs? When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking. __________________ Since 1999: 69 Adult Industry awards for Best Hosting Company and professional excellence. WP Stuff

12-02-2004, 10:11 AM	#11
brizzad holla Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: KFC Posts: 11,769	so a guy walks into a bar and he's like ouch so a baby seal walks into a club...

12-02-2004, 10:12 AM	#12
brizzad holla Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: KFC Posts: 11,769	why arent there any puerto ricans on star trek? well hell they wont work in the future either

12-02-2004, 10:13 AM	#14
demented Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Cincinnati Ohio Posts: 2,388	A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

12-02-2004, 10:15 AM	#15
candyflip Carpe Visio Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: New York Posts: 43,064	Drinking the new low-carb beer is similar to making love in a canoe. Both are fucking close to water. __________________ Spend you some brain. Email Me

12-02-2004, 10:18 AM	#16
candyflip Carpe Visio Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: New York Posts: 43,064	What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp dick? You don't fuck with either one. __________________ Spend you some brain. Email Me

12-02-2004, 10:23 AM	#17
Chasing The Dragon Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: North of Seattle Posts: 133	A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, 'You must be single.' The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

12-02-2004, 10:25 AM	#18
Neal Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Shangrila Posts: 243	Why is PMS called PMS Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken __________________ ICQ 243702391 [email protected] www.dream-cash.com

12-02-2004, 10:27 AM	#19
Jace FBOP Class Of 2013 Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: bumfuck, ky Posts: 35,562	Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

12-02-2004, 10:27 AM	#20
dodger21 Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2,680	Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.

12-02-2004, 10:43 AM	#21
Olix Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 492	I Love You. Now that was a joke. __________________ # 589 092 179

12-02-2004, 10:46 AM	#22
Paul Markham Too old to care Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: On the sofa, watching TV or doing my jigsaws. Posts: 52,943	Some good ones so far, but nothing great. __________________ Blowout deal. 880 videos, 2,400 image sets, plus many RAW videos. $500. PM me for a deal. Skype Paulmarkham70

12-02-2004, 11:02 AM	#23
Snake Doctor I'm Lenny2 Bitch Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: On top of my soapbox Posts: 13,449	A guy is driving down the interstate at 100MPH in the middle of the night. He's swerving from lane to lane and can't seem to stay on the road. A state trooper pulls him over, walks up to the window and says "son, have you been drinking tonight?" The driver replies "No, why do you ask? Do I have a fat chick in the car with me?" __________________ sig too big

12-02-2004, 03:41 PM	#25
Fred Quimby Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 5,430	"The Farmer In Training" Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly." The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???" __________________

12-02-2004, 11:49 PM	#26
Paul Markham Too old to care Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: On the sofa, watching TV or doing my jigsaws. Posts: 52,943	Bump __________________ Blowout deal. 880 videos, 2,400 image sets, plus many RAW videos. $500. PM me for a deal. Skype Paulmarkham70

12-04-2004, 12:45 AM	#27
Paul Markham Too old to care Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: On the sofa, watching TV or doing my jigsaws. Posts: 52,943	Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" __________________ Blowout deal. 880 videos, 2,400 image sets, plus many RAW videos. $500. PM me for a deal. Skype Paulmarkham70

12-04-2004, 12:51 AM	#28
ProjectNaked Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Detroit Areola Posts: 4,309	- trail marker placed -

12-04-2004, 12:54 AM	#29
WombRaider Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: FL Posts: 159	Oldie but goodie. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". Gently he takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ...........he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box." __________________ Fred, I think I fried the motherboard.........and the fatherboard, too.

12-04-2004, 12:57 AM	#30
DX Feed me coffee. Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Massafuckingchusetts Posts: 1,128	Two-term President of the United States of America , George W. Bush.

12-04-2004, 01:26 AM	#31
The Apprentice Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: New Orleans, LA Posts: 839	"Wassup JaceXXX?" "Not much Apprentice, watchin' the game having a bud, true true..." "Hey, you're not sucking your own..." "WAAAZAAAAAP?!?!?" "Holy shit, it's Charly, he made it to America!" "WAAAZAAAA!!!" "Hold on, i got a call... It's Tala." "WAAAZAAAA!!!" "AAAAAAA!!!" "BLEAAAAA!!!" "UGHAAAAAAAUUUUUUHHH!!!" "Man, ya'll must be up out cho' mind!" __________________ SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!

12-04-2004, 01:32 AM	#32
Satan Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Hell Posts: 1,626	There was this toad who hated being green. He wanted to be different from the other toads. One day while he was sitting by the pond he said" I wish i was yellow!" and poof there appeared his fairy godmother. She waved her majic wand and poof the toad looked at himself and the only part of him that had turned green was his dick. "OMG, all my friends will laugh at me fairygodmother. What am i going to do?" she said " GO visit the wizard of Oz ...he will help you." so off went the toad to see the wizard of Oz. Down the road there was an elephant who wanted to be different. One day he said " I wish i was pink!" then poof the fairy godmother appear and she waved her majic wand poof the elephant look down at himself and the only part of him that had turned pink was his dick. He said "all my friends will laugh at me ...what am i going to do!?" she said " Go see the wizard of Oz and he'll help you." The elephant said" I don't know how to get there " to which the fairygodmother replied " FOLLOW THE YELLOW DICK TOAD" __________________ WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

12-04-2004, 01:38 AM	#33
Jeff aka NIGHTfall Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Port St. Lucie, Florida Posts: 5,162	who was the best jewish cook? hitler __________________ Register Now For PimpinPays.com

12-04-2004, 01:44 AM	#34
colpanic Confirmed User Join Date: May 2004 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 1,007	Ok, here ya go.. So this guy walks into a psychitrists office, totally butt naked but wrapped in saran wrap. He says, "Doc, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am losing it." Doc says, Well, I can clearly see your nuts! __________________ I like ducks.

12-04-2004, 01:46 AM	#35
colpanic Confirmed User Join Date: May 2004 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 1,007	Different guy comes into the psychiatrists office, and says: Doc, I keep having these terrible dreams! First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam.. then Im a teepee, then Im a wigwam.... What is wrong with me!!! Doc says, you need to relax son, yer two tents! Cmon, thats prime stuff! __________________ I like ducks.

12-04-2004, 02:05 AM	#36
neverlearn Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Banners, FPA, HPA, FLASH, Illustration, Web Design, Print, posters, business cards, LOGOS ...ICQ 210-450-833 Posts: 2,085	Q:Knock , Knock A:Who There Q:STFU YOU TROLL SURFER BIACTCH ha ha ha __________________ DICK TOO BIG! Maximum 120x60 button and no more than 3 text lines of DEFAULT SIZE and COLOR. Unless your sig is for a GFY top banner sponsor, you may use a 624x80 instead of a 120x60. Let me repeat... A 120 x 60 button and no more that 3 lines of DEFAULT SIZE AND COLOR text.

12-04-2004, 12:04 PM	#37
Paul Markham Too old to care Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: On the sofa, watching TV or doing my jigsaws. Posts: 52,943	A young couple on the verge of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and asks "Is this true?" The husband replies "No, not really. It's her that suffers not me." __________________ Blowout deal. 880 videos, 2,400 image sets, plus many RAW videos. $500. PM me for a deal. Skype Paulmarkham70

12-04-2004, 12:09 PM	#38
NoCarrier We need more free porn Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Montreal Posts: 16,356	A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his parrot eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the parrot. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The parrot pants: "Man, why didn't you tell me the chicken was frozen?." __________________ Last edited by NoCarrier; 12-04-2004 at 12:12 PM..