Courtroom Testimony - GoFuckYourself.com

AdPatron · 04-29-2008, 11:46 AM

Courtroom Testimony

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ______________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________________________________________________ ______________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ______________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ ______________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
__________________________________________________ _______________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ _______________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
__________________________________________________ _______________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
__________________________________________________ _______________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ _________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
__________________________________________________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

sponsorpimp · 04-29-2008, 11:50 AM

Funny shit

media · 04-29-2008, 11:54 AM

hahaha the last one was the best.. good shit..

BradM · 04-29-2008, 11:54 AM

Nice. I don't believe these are real though. ;)

pornlaw · 04-29-2008, 12:43 PM

You would not believe the stupid questions attorneys ask at trial and during depos. It amazes me. Its always fun catching a witness perjure themselves and try to back out of it.

The most fun is when cops do it. In my career I had two "dirty" cops removed from the force for perjury.

AdPatron · 04-29-2008, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradM

Nice. I don't believe these are real though. ;)

I have personally heard shit like this in a courtroom before.

munki · 04-29-2008, 05:08 PM

Kudles · 04-29-2008, 05:13 PM

Lol those are pretty funny. What idiots.

Farang · 04-29-2008, 05:21 PM

04-29-2008, 11:46 AM	#1
AdPatron No commissions, no fees. Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: USA Posts: 17,706	Courtroom Testimony Courtroom Testimony These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________ ______________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. __________________________________________________ ______________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________ ______________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________ ______________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. __________________________________________________ _______________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________________________ _______________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? __________________________________________________ _______________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh... __________________________________________________ _______________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? __________________________________________________ ________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? __________________________________________________ ________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________________________ ________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________________________ ________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. __________________________________________________ _________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! __________________________________________________ ________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? __________________________________________________ ________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

04-29-2008, 11:50 AM	#2
sponsorpimp Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,567	Funny shit __________________

04-29-2008, 11:54 AM	#3
media Confirmed Moneymaker Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Eugene, OR It's Like Jail, Only with Trees! Posts: 9,852	hahaha the last one was the best.. good shit.. __________________ I'm here for the violence!

04-29-2008, 12:43 PM	#5
pornlaw Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 1,877	You would not believe the stupid questions attorneys ask at trial and during depos. It amazes me. Its always fun catching a witness perjure themselves and try to back out of it. The most fun is when cops do it. In my career I had two "dirty" cops removed from the force for perjury. __________________ Michael www.AdultBizLaw.com

04-29-2008, 05:08 PM	#7
munki Do Fun Shit. Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: OC Posts: 13,393	__________________ “I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” -Oscar Wilde

04-29-2008, 11:54 AM	#4
BradM Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: 1123,6536,5231 Posts: 3,397	Nice. I don't believe these are real though. ;)

04-29-2008, 05:13 PM	#8
Kudles Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Here There and Everywhere Posts: 5,477	Lol those are pretty funny. What idiots.

04-29-2008, 05:21 PM	#9
Farang one sick puppy Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Where the worst of the West meets the worst of the East Posts: 11,565	__________________ i sale uncensored chatbots