| Xenophage |
06-03-2005 05:04 PM |
Congratulations! You're White Trash!
So, you're a fat, 22-year-old bar slut with kids. Your name (Crystal) suits you to a tee, as does the tattoo in the middle of your lower back (and low-riser jeans). You are the queen of your low-income housing unit, and you have three kids, from three different men, all of different races. You don't get angry when people say that your family looks like the General Assembly of the United Nations (because you have no idea what the hell that means).
Yep, you're the queen of all white trashers. Or are you? How can you be sure that you have even less class than the people living in your housing project (or trailer park)? Don't worry, presidential candidate Michael Cooper and his vice presidential nominee, Lynn, have made it easy for you. Here's a complete list of the behaviors which will distinguish you from the rest of the losers:
* Don't cook. The only thing your kids should eat is McDonalds (or other fast food). You need to make sure your 3-year-old is as fat as you were at that age. This is your ticket to fame and fortune, as you will be chosen to appear on an episode of Dr. Phil (called "My toddler weighs 300 lbs").
* Don't breast feed. Breast milk is "yucky," and your boobies are reserved for whatever guy you hook up with at the local tavern. Besides, everybody knows that PEPSI has all the nutrients your little angel needs. Make sure you keep his or her sippy cup full of soda pop at all times.
* Don't give up drinking or smoking while you're pregnant. If you did this, you'd NEVER get to partake again (until your ovaries dry up in your early 40's). All that B.S. about "low birth weight" is just a bunch of nonsense those "yuppies" are trying to scare you with. Having Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was good enough for your boyfriend, and it should be good enough for your kids.
* Don't potty train your child. You need to make sure that little Austin is the only kid in the first grade who can't go to the bathroom by himself. Besides, that's what teachers are for. You didn't vote Democrat just so you could be saddled with having to raise your own children. Remember, it takes a village (which means that other people should have to clean up your mess).
* Make sure your school provides you with school supplies, breakfasts, and free lunches. You pay taxes (well YOU don't, but those "yuppies" do) and you need to put their tax money to good use.
* Don't teach your child to read, count, or understand money. Remember, the only thing Junior should be able to do by the time he's in Kindgergarten is play inappropriately violent video games. He should be the only one in his class that can't read the alphabet. And make sure the only foreign language he's exposed to is Spanish. If a Chinese kid is talking to his mom on the playground, it's up to your bastard to show how "smart" he is by saying "They're speaking SPANISH."
* Don't teach your kid good hygiene. It's important that your boy has at least eight cavities on his first trip to the dentist (which will be on the day they give out free toothbrushes at school). And make sure he's the one in the class that gives everyone else headlice. This is a proud tradition in the White Trash community, and you wouldn't want to disappoint your 34-year-old grandmother.
* On that note, make sure you don't teach Pugsly to wash his face. Let the dog lick it clean (or better yet, just leave it there all day like he's an Andy Warhol).
* Make sure your only role models are the other sad sacks in your immediate neighborhood. Don't ever look to middle class people as role models. And make sure you instill a large sense of resentment in your child. Make him think that he's poor BECAUSE other people are rich. Don't let him know that he could actually work his way up the socio-economic ladder. Again, you want him to vote Democrat.
* Encourage your little brat to throw loud, shrieking temper tantrums at Wal-Mart. The other customers should be able to hear your kid from the other end of the store. And it shouldn't sound anything like normal children crying. The loud, piercing, growling shriek should be so horrendous, several of the customers will want to record it and send it in to Art Bell.
* Use the police as your own personal relationship counselor. Call them early, and call them often. Have them settle any minor dispute you may have with your boyfriend, from how much tinsel to put on your fake Christmas tree, to who wanted to watch "wrasslin" vs. who wanted to watch "Springer." The police don't mind this at all (in fact, it's probably why they wanted to become a cop in the first place). And after they arrest your boyfriend, be sure to take him back repeatedly, even though he's given you a shiner.
* Make sure you change partners frequently. No relationship should last over four months. And be sure that your children call your boyfriends "daddy." It's especially important that your daughter imitates your behavior as soon as she's able to start her own family (at the age of 13).
* Be sure to keep a dangerous pet in the house. A pit bull works best, but a snake or tarantua will work in a pinch. You can use your pet to scare the hell out of your kids if they interrupt your pot party to ask you for dinner. If you really want to go the extra mile, you can even sic your dog on your kids for stepping out of line, causing them irreparable physical and psychological damage.
* Even though your 'tards will never come home with an "A" on their report card, you can revel in the irony that they'll bring home a shitload of DARE stickers. Be sure to plaster them all over your car, oblivious to the fact that you're showing support for the War on Drugs, as you weave in and out of traffic, high as a kite. You should take pride in these exclusive stickers, as only 400,000 other people in your child's school district have them.
* Don't take any interest in your kid's friends (or yours). Be sure to expose them at a very early age to the lowest form of prison trash, sexual predators, and meth dealers. After all, what's the worst that could happen?
* On Halloween, be sure to drive your kids to the "rich" (middle class) neighborhood. There, they can get what they so richly deserve (free candy). It's important that they DON'T say "Trick or Treat" or (God forbid) "Thank you." All they have to do is hold out their pillow case, bag, hand, or whatever until they get their candy. If they really hit the jackpot (a house that gives out full-sized candy bars) make sure you take 'em back several times during the night. There should be no time limit to Trick or Treating, and your kids can stay out as late as they want. Hell, you're bombed out of your ass, and you wouldn't know the difference.
|
