Confucius Say
An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me.

Confucius Say
When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of hacking at the leaves.

Good confucious stuff. Where are you getting those?

hi everyone!

Hello. Welcome to the thread from Hell. :thumbsup

I've made out a list of things I have to do and pack before I leave for Internext. Does anyone else do this, or am I just a nut?

Whoa. Holy shit! Yanno, when you put on your glasses, things suddenly come into glorious focus. :thumbsup

:Hollering :Hollering

Dammit, why is it that when I come in here, the thread clears out like people avoiding the plague.



I'm not that repulsive, am I? :(

I think this threads needs a few hundred jokes :1orglaugh

You can laugh along with me if you want.


One day a boy walked into a pharmacy. He walked around for a while until he found what he was looking for. He grabbed a box of ribbed condoms, walked up to the checkout lane, and slapped them on the counter. The sales clerk, looking suspiciously at the young boy, said, "Well son, here you go, that'll be £2. The boy pulled out a £5 note, handed it to the man, and the salesclerk asked him, "Now, boy, do you know what the ribs are for?"

The boy answered, "No sir I don't, but they sure make the hair on my goats back stand up!"

you're not alone! lol

i just started my list last night of things to take & then a list of partys im on a guest list/vip on & the times and dates. :Graucho

i just KNOW i'd forgot something if i didnt do all that :thumbsup

OMG.


THAT was foul! :1orglaugh

A man is riding through the desert on his camel and finds a sudden urge to have sex. Realising that there are no women around he turns to his camel. Just as he tries to position it, it turns around and bites him on the balls. He gives up and carrys on riding.

A few days later he gets the same feeling all over again, still there are no women around so again he is forced to rely on his camel. However, as he tries to position it, the camel bites him on the balls again. As before he gives up and carries on riding. A couple of days later, he reaches a small village only to find 3 gorgeous looking blondes in the back of a mini cooper. One of them gets out of the car and approaches him.

"Excuse me" she said "but could you fix our car, as we have just broken down, we'll offer you anything in return?"

Knowing alot about mechanics the man takes up the offer and agrees to fix their car. An hour later, the man had fixed the car and all three blondes walked up to him.

"Thank you very much, thats great!" said the first blonde.

"Well what do you want us to do?" said the second.

"We'll do anything!" said the third

After thinking about this for a while the man replies "Can you hold my camel's head still?"

Congrats on your win last night.

I have things written down that I know I should have no trouble remembering, you know, the "no shit" stuff.

But I had to make a run to the store in San Diego 'cause I left my toothbrush at home. :helpme

:Oh crap

Hmmm...must think of jokes. Hell, I'm having trouble thinking at all at this point. :(

A story with a moral...

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way,my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

Hello all! :)

This thread is sooo damn long.. Wow I love it..

Steve has just bought a motorbike but everytime it rains the seal leaks and he has to put Vaseline on it to stop it. He carries a jar of Vaseline with him where ever he goes.

That night he is going to his girlfriends house to meet her parents when he gets there his girlfriend is stood outside waiting for him, she tells him not to talk at the dinner table, as the first person to speak has to "do the dishes"!

When he gets inside it's just as she has described it, the pots are piled high to the ceiling and no one is saying a word. He thinks "I'm going to have bit of fun here"!!.... he grabs the mother, clears the dinner table and shags her.....when finished they both sit back down, still no one is saying a word, the girlfriend is furious and Dad is seething. Steve thinks "I'm going to have a bit more fun" he grabs his girlfriend throws her on the dinner table and shags her.....still, no one is saying a word. The mother is a little jealous, his girlfriend is much happier and Dad is livid.

All of a sudden the heavens open and it begins to pour down, Steve jumps up, pulls the Vaseline from his back pocket when Dad stands up and says......."Fuck that, I'll do the dishes!"

So you want this? :glugglug

A very atrractive woman went to see a gynaecologist. When she walked in and the gynaecologist saw her, all his reasoning went out the window. He told the woman to undress and started to rub his hands up and down her thigh.

Do you know what I'm doing?" He asks.

"Yes your checking for abnormalities or abrasions. Arn't you?"

"Correct" the man replies readily.

He then starts to fondal her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Your checking for any lumps which might need to be looked at."

"Correct" he says though his growing smile.

He then proceeds to have sex with her. "And do you know what I'm doing here?"

"Yes, you're getting herpes."

Yeah you?:glugglug

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Are you back???

:Graucho

STEEEEEEN

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

I AM BACK!

well?:glugglug

not you too, guess its time to party :glugglug

'bout time. What'd you do, take a dump and fall in?? :1orglaugh

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body increases to 10 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and I'm telling my parents who will tell the head master and he will have you fired!"

The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"

One boy, timmy, raises his hand and says "the part of the body that increases to 10 times it size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day you're going to be very very dissapointed."

:thumbsup

Great, you break out the smokes and I'll grab a soda.

Walk away from the laptop for long enough for someone to take it :(

Oh, and have a shower :Graucho

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

The shower thing is a good idea.

Check this page out and tell me if you like it.

http://www.freakmanor.com/iam/hiddenthings.htm

Time for a toke break <////////#~


A man tells his boss he can't come into work today bcause he has a headache. His boss replies "Do you know what I do when I get a headache? I have sex with my wife. Why don't you try it?" The next day the man comes back to work and says "Thanks for the good advice! I feel much better.

His boss says "It's no problem, glad my advice helped."

Just as he's leaving the man says "By the way, you have a nice house."

:helpme

One more! Pluginfeeds.com rulez!

BRB :glugglug

I hope it's for smoking pot !

Good jokes man :thumbsup

It's a long way until 3500 :(

And I love Tala :)

Bumpie

I'm keeping this thread alive :D

Thank you Steen. :) Glad to be of help. That was my good deed for the day. :glugglug

Nice contest, what did I miss

Where were you last night?? :(