Only 10:01 am here, gonna be a long day

Revenue Canada

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined Revenue Canada, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders: Maybe even a Canadian version of the Enron or WorldCom guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi", he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles". "Yes", answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question", noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles". "Oh", replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada in Sudbury.". "Revenue Canada?", questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes", replied the Rabbi, "Revenue Canada. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you".

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
.
.
.
.
Just imagined yourself in that situation?

Table Manners

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner at this elegant restaurant.
Their waitress who was taking an order at the next table over, suddenly notices the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, while the woman acts unaware.

The waitress continues to watch as the man slides all the way down his chair and completely out of sight. The woman still appears calm and collected, even though her dining companion had completely vanished under the table.

After the waitress finishes taking the order, she goes over to the woman and says, "Pardon me ma'am, but your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looks up at her and replies, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

The time in denmark is now 17:08

What pissed me off?

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, ''If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building.'' The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says '' If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says ''I'm with you guys.''
The next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, ''Turkey sandwich. I love my wife.'' The black guy opens his lunch. He says, ''Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said '' See ya guys.'' With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says '' I feel sorry for him. ''The white man replies, ''Why?'' The black guy said, ''Because he packs his own lunch

Clocks In Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.
The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Trip To Chicago

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!

A Few Days Off

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

Elderly Meal

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth

Recognizing George

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

in brasil it's 120:20

Lethal Pool

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in."

And in 6 hrs it will be 4:20 time here <////////////////#~

hell its always 4:20 time in my house :1orglaugh

Talented Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage,
he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two
or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each
to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing
the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Now I even don't know what to post......... help me!!!!!!!!!!!!

just making another post here...

We are getting closer and closer

600 posts to go...

Yep closer to me winning it

lets make it now?

lets whore and whore...

Isn't that what we are doing pf .. whorin

Only 40 more to go:thumbsup

we are whoring aorund here for a long time...

mh i could use some cash too

only 40 to go where?

cash is always the best prize...

http://www.freakmanor.com/smilies/morning.gif

Everyone ready for another day of whoring?

whoring for not boring...

Until I hit 3000 posts

we are always ready...

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Today is the day we are going to do it :)

I had already figured that out...

Wouldn´t taht be 140? :winkwink:

:eek2






























:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Seriously? 'Cause it's been 2 days with no winner. Hopefully someone will snag the $300 today. Remember, if you have the topbucks banner in your sig, you get an extra $250.


:glugglug

lets talk about something useful...

Is that for all the prizes or only the big one?
I carried the banner since the start so I am a bit curious :winkwink:

When we hit 3000 it is going to move a lot faster so I predict all the prizes will be gone in 24 hours.

:1orglaugh

Almost at 3000 now less than 60 to go

Come on people only 550 to the next prize:)

money prizes are great dont you think?

That's for all the prizes. If you win the $300, then you'll get $550.

Which one did you win, Keyser? Ask them to tack on the extra $250 for you.


:glugglug

Remembe every post counts so keep posting.

Hey, we might be able to make that in a day if I'm not the only one posting all day long. :thumbsup

That would be nice but I think the prizes will be handed out when the contest is over I haven´t heard anything yet about who to contact.
I won the $125 :)