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Old 09-18-2007, 02:36 PM   #251
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27. Your content library covers a lot of niches- A LOT of them! How many niches do you think there really is?

This comes off as sort of a trick question because one could easily say there is no limit to niche. If you can imagine a fan for midget tranny foot fetish then fast as you can say "ron jeremy" one exists. At Homegrown we have narrowed our focus to about thirty solid ones that are not too obscure to obtain content for.

We have a lot of success with things that a lot of people don't realize are pure gold. Every time I see someone here, there, or anywhere complaining that a model has too hairy a bush I just want to laugh since I feel like that is saying "I just don't want to make too much money".

Yeah, and the saddest thing is every time a new girl decides "hmm none of the other porn girls have pubes, guess I should get rid of mine." Please Please ladies- shoot for Homegrown, THEN get rid of your bush.

Especially if you are Horny Over 40 with a hairy bush and up for an anal cream pie while outdoors with a well-hung stud....oh the nitches we can cover!
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Old 09-18-2007, 03:19 PM   #252
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Caveman porn - new niche?

ADG
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Old 09-18-2007, 03:27 PM   #253
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28. Did Homegrown really start of a small mom and pop video store in San Diego?

Homegrown Video started in a guy named Greg Swaim's video store in San Diego. He started selling his swinger tapes along with the other adult stuff in the back of the shop in Del Mar and things just sort of took off.

When we bought the company though it was on a dusty little street that literally had tumbleweeds rolling down it in a city way east of San Diego called Lakeside. The place always troubled me because I couldn't for the life of me figure out where the heck the lake was. A big rodeo happens there and I honestly thought that every day at High Noon there would be a showdown in the streets outside. The actual office looked like a ghost town because it was located mostly in the back of a retail storefront property. There was absolutely no retail in the actual storefront, only lots of dust and sort of decrepit furniture strewn about which seemed more likely to be the decorating efforts of hobos who salvaged the box cars on the retired E train.

We moved out of there quicker than you could say "draw you varmit".

Then we moved to an office/warehouse style space with a big contracting company across from us. Apparently the window office across from us was the most coveted space to work in and was rewarded as a perk of distinction.
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Old 09-18-2007, 03:50 PM   #254
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29. You've been doing porn a long, long time?.. Watching some of your older work you can see rather hairy pussys. What do you think about the recent changes with shaved snatches?

I don't really pay much attention to what other people are doing since I am too busy thinking about what my customers actually want and not what I personally like or what my competition thinks people want.

One thing I can say though is that porn has always been about the forbidden fruit, the taboo, the secret desire unfulfilled except in the fantasy world of a video dramatization. This is why blowjobs were so big, then deepthroats, then anal sex, gang bangs, etc.

Note to self: Start buying mirken stocks...
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Old 09-18-2007, 05:14 PM   #255
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31. Who is Gary Aptaker?

Gary Aptaker was the trustee of the court that ran the company while it was in the bankruptcy. In what turns out to be a complete breach of his fiduciary responsibilities to the court he offered to come work for us if we bought the company and although he didn't tell us what the competing offers were exactly he did grimace or smile when we told him what we were thinking of putting in for the sealed bids.

This should have been the first friggin' clue that he was no good but back then we figured he had valuable experience and would help us make the transition from professional deadheads to actually running a corporation.

He convinced us that we had to get him a vehicle. We said no to the caddy but agreed to a Jimmy (snickers allowed) because we had to make frequent trips to the PO box for orders.

He used to drive us crazy because whenever we would make a suggestion then he would ridicule us in one way or another as being inexperienced boobs. I remember he used to piss my brother off by saying "what do you want a fuzzy pink attaboy?"

When we finally had the good business sense to fire the bastard he took us to small claims court... and actually won... but on our appeal he started opening his mouth and actually had to be informed by the judge that he was in the process of incriminating himself.

I don't know what he does now and I always wondered what I would do if I ran into him sometime in San Diego. Probably laugh. Like I was on my way to the bank...
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Old 09-18-2007, 05:21 PM   #256
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His next was the Beastie's "Paul's Boutique"... anyone who was back there can attest to how they got the room bouncing old school style.
truly a benchmark in rap albums...and nice to read an interesting amush for once
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Old 09-19-2007, 04:56 AM   #257
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truly a benchmark in rap albums...and nice to read an interesting amush for once
Farrell always has the BEST stories lol!
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Old 09-19-2007, 06:06 AM   #258
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But ask someone that actually knows how well stuff like hairy pussies sells regardless of one's personal proclivities and he or she will tell you that we are sitting atop a gold mine that is on top of a diamond mine surrounded by pure platinum.
Say it isn't so

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Old 09-19-2007, 08:37 AM   #259
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Alllllllllmost there!
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Old 09-19-2007, 09:51 AM   #260
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A friendly morning bump for my friends at HomeGrown....
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Old 09-19-2007, 10:35 AM   #261
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Time for some fresh questions for my brother:

Question #35

"Has your brother ever been nice enough to let you shoot a porn scene in his house whereupon you defiled his furniture?"

Question #36

"What is your personal best record for consective-day hallucinogen ingestion?
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Old 09-19-2007, 10:37 AM   #262
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Time for some fresh questions for my brother:

Question #35

"Has your brother ever been nice enough to let you shoot a porn scene in his house whereupon you defiled his furniture?"

Question #36

"What is your personal best record for consective-day hallucinogen ingestion?


Oh boy...

Hey Moffin, how is the game coming along?
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Old 09-19-2007, 12:00 PM   #263
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Oh boy...

Hey Moffin, how is the game coming along?
GOing well although my course is a little burned out.

let me know if you want to come down to SD any time
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Old 09-19-2007, 12:11 PM   #264
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Caveman porn - new niche?

ADG
My girl calls me "geico boy" all the time... if I didn't know any better I would think this was some sort of conspiracy...
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Old 09-19-2007, 12:50 PM   #265
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32. What is the difference between Gonzo, amateur, pro-am, and reality porn?

These are my definitions forged in the hell fires of porn's eternal damnation and smithed by years of hammering out title after title and tempured by experience. You don't have to agree with them:

Gonzo - For all you lit majors out there I equate this with a first person omnicient narrative device. In essence, the person behind the camera is also part of the action. I believe the term was first coined to describe the type of porn inspired by the pioneers of that style, Buttman John Stagliano, Max Hardcore, Seymour Butts, and then copied by many others.

Amateur - Amateur is sort of oxymoronic in so far as if a person is getting paid then how can you call it amateur but I see true amateur as being homemade videos by people that are doing it for a one or a few more times kick but certainly not looking to make porn their day job. The best amateurs are shot by couples that simply set up a camera and let it roll. The Pam and Tommy tape i consider to be the most classic true amateur video of all time. Authentic amateur should have that "home movie" sort of uninhibited casualness in which having fun takes a way bigger priority over whether or not the camera/body/light/sound etc is "just right".

Pro-Am: This fills that big grey void between pro, am, gonzo, and reality. Essentially, pro-am features higher production values than amateur, is generally shot by professional full time porn producers, features models who want to be porn stars, and tries to appear "amateur" but emphasizes good lighting, sound, make-up etc.

Reality Porn - I consider Reality style content to be an echo of the gool ol' raunchy days of what used to be called "loops" back in the 8mm days of porn production. In the eighties and nineties, this style of stuff was also called "vignettes". The premise is to create a simple fantasy situation with a modest amount of narrative to introduce the sex. However, "reality porn" draws a certain degree of inspiration from the gonzo style stuff by employing a "verite" shooting form, where the camera shoots in a documentary style and most of the dialog is unscripted improvisation to make it seem like the action is a real life situation.

If anyone disagrees then please let me know now...
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Old 09-19-2007, 01:13 PM   #266
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33. Who is John Stagliano and have you ever shot with him?

John Stagliano is more popularly known as "Buttman" and owner of the Evil Angel empire. I have only huge respect for him and what he has accomplished in the industry but also for how humble and down to earth he has remained as a person. He was one of the first people out there to actually let producers collect royalties on their work. I guess no quick biography would be complete about him without also mentioning that he is a mensa member and that he produced a very sexy and successful show in Vegas based on his fetishistic "Fashionistas" movie.

I once had the privilege of working with John when he came down to shoot me and our starlet named Sheena for a video called "Buttman's Inferno". The scene was actually a foursome with John's girlfriend at the time Kristy and another dude. The scene ended up bringing home the award for "Best Group Sex Scene" but the victory was bittersweet for John since Kristy had recently died in a car crash. I of course don't really brag about it all that much because it is like taking credit for being the second leg in a relay race. Sure, I helped but I can't take too much credit...

While I was driving around with John he bestowed upon me one of the greatest lessons I ever learned in this biz.

We were driving along and I noticed that he had the same new over-priced but entirely sweet sony 3 chip prosumer camera that we had just recently purchased.

"I just got myself one of those. How do you like that sony?"

He looked at it and shrugged.

"It's ok I guess but I made my first million with my Canon L1."

Moral to the story: What you shoot with is never as important as what ends up on the tape.
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Old 09-19-2007, 01:35 PM   #267
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Far-L was also one of the first people I was fortunate enough to meet early on in San Diego when they shot "Orgy For World Peace" every Friday in the studio. He and Moffit were always cool and a pleasure to work with. Great ambush man - you rock!
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Old 09-19-2007, 04:54 PM   #268
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Time for some fresh questions for my brother:

Question #35

"Has your brother ever been nice enough to let you shoot a porn scene in his house whereupon you defiled his furniture?"
Anyone who has met me and my brother knows that we are so opposite but same in so many ways. Like Godzilla and King Kong we might be different animals but both still monsters capable of mass destruction. And when you talk to someone that works for us, some who have been with us almost 15 years, then you learn that carnage and total annihilation would be more accurate.

I guess we have over the years done some very messed up things to each other. I used to stare at him with crazy eyes and fiendish grin then jab my thumb into his ice cream. He once had an old driver's license of mine which he gave to the cops because him and his frat friends were up to some ridulous prank. (Too depraved to recount - this frat was later kicked off campus for all eternity) Luckily, I finally got them to drop the warrant for my arrest. Some of these gaffs would result in battles. You could always tell where we had thrown each other through a wall in our old office by where the pictures were hung.

So when I asked him to use his place as a location he said "No" emphatically enough but just not enough times because finally I ground that and sculpted it and turned it into a "yes". And I might have heard his caveat but I am not sure since my head was already out the door and all my focus already drawn to getting the job done... and done right!

The shoot involved a lackluster studlet named Tim who always is breaking back into the business as talent because he managed to convince some model that she had to work with him alone. I knew from previous experience that pulling off an interesting scene with him doing the lumberjacking was going to be all kindling and no yule logs if you know what I mean.

The order of the day is to shoot a cream pie scene. Things are going ok. Tepid but not cold enough to be dead and he was la dee da dee da boning along as bored and boring as if he was just masturbating on the toilet. Then he stopped.

We waited.

And waited.

No Cream Pie.

We went inside the house and hit the kitchen and bathrooms to try and figure out something that would work for fake cum. I think we ended up with some combination of food and soap that did the trick. Now for the sake of time and energy which as we all know is money, money, money I had her lay down on the kitchen table so we could just get the shots and finally call it a day.

I think I might have remembered at this point the faint point moffitt had made, like "don't do anything on the furniture" or something like that. But the glass is either half empty or half full; for example that could've have been real cum and not fake cum. If we stayed outside any longer his neighbors might have called the cops... which means I didn't have to give them his ID
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Old 09-19-2007, 09:03 PM   #269
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#36 "What is your personal best record for consective-day hallucinogen ingestion?

I once ate not just magic but full on magical mystery tour mushrooms for five or six days a week for about three weeks straight. Probably learned more in those three weeks than four years of school.

End of story and end of interview...

Unless anyone has any more questions...
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Old 09-19-2007, 10:12 PM   #270
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Fantastic read!!! Thanks for giving some of us a glimpse into your wild ride in the business. It was both amusing and I got to pick up a few things here and there
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Old 09-19-2007, 10:24 PM   #271
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Fantastic read!!! Thanks for giving some of us a glimpse into your wild ride in the business. It was both amusing and I got to pick up a few things here and there
Thank you! This has been a blast since I got to tell a few tales without people going "umm... you've told me that at least a few times before"...

I am happy to report that by request a few more questions are going to be added because this really only covered up to when we were just beginning the web side of things.
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Old 09-19-2007, 10:26 PM   #272
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Thank you! This has been a blast since I got to tell a few tales without people going "umm... you've told me that at least a few times before"...

I am happy to report that by request a few more questions are going to be added because this really only covered up to when we were just beginning the web side of things.
So now we'll get to hear your mantra for the web side of things? Ok I should stay away from GFY for a few more days so I can read it all at once!! hahaha
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Old 09-19-2007, 10:36 PM   #273
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So now we'll get to hear your mantra for the web side of things? Ok I should stay away from GFY for a few more days so I can read it all at once!! hahaha
Are they going to ban me from GFY for keeping you away?

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Old 09-19-2007, 11:12 PM   #274
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Good read dude, thanks for the laughs.

Now come on down and let us drink and be merry....
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Old 09-20-2007, 10:28 AM   #275
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good read... thanks for the stories and a view of of your world.
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Old 09-20-2007, 10:29 AM   #276
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Are they going to ban me from GFY for keeping you away?

Nah - nobody gives a flying one heheheh
In fact, I can think of a few that may pay ya to keep me away hahahah
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Old 09-20-2007, 11:33 AM   #277
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Anyone who has met me and my brother knows that we are so opposite but same in so many ways. Like Godzilla and King Kong we might be different animals but both still monsters capable of mass destruction. And when you talk to someone that works for us, some who have been with us almost 15 years, then you learn that carnage and total annihilation would be more accurate.

I guess we have over the years done some very messed up things to each other. I used to stare at him with crazy eyes and fiendish grin then jab my thumb into his ice cream. He once had an old driver's license of mine which he gave to the cops because him and his frat friends were up to some ridulous prank. (Too depraved to recount - this frat was later kicked off campus for all eternity) Luckily, I finally got them to drop the warrant for my arrest. Some of these gaffs would result in battles. You could always tell where we had thrown each other through a wall in our old office by where the pictures were hung.
:

Godzilla and King Kong really does sum up the two of you. Remember the year the employees gave you both boxing gloves as a "joke"? When you guys would go at it a bunch of us would huddle in the salesroom, crying that mommy and daddy were going to get divorced (don't worry, we never decided who was which)
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Old 09-20-2007, 02:32 PM   #278
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While I was driving around with John he bestowed upon me one of the greatest lessons I ever learned in this biz.

We were driving along and I noticed that he had the same new over-priced but entirely sweet sony 3 chip prosumer camera that we had just recently purchased.

"I just got myself one of those. How do you like that sony?"

He looked at it and shrugged.

"It's ok I guess but I made my first million with my Canon L1."

Moral to the story: What you shoot with is never as important as what ends up on the tape.
Nice, and very true.

If you don't mind, what are a few of the other "greatest lessons" you have learned in your many years in the business?

BTW.... best Ambush ever!
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Old 09-20-2007, 06:21 PM   #279
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Nice, and very true.

If you don't mind, what are a few of the other "greatest lessons" you have learned in your many years in the business?

BTW.... best Ambush ever!
Many thanks for an amazing compliment! Now I feel some serious pressure to say something that is worthy of just a few steps up the mountain to the Guru at the top that knows the meaning of life... and how to sell more porn in a glutted market.

My brother and I were invited to a special gathering in Cancun which was an invite only, heads of companies, type of affair put on by AVN. We naturally assumed just like everyone else that of course this was going to be like when the mob met in the 50's to carve up territories. When we got there we really found out that it was essentially a big freak out session of the old school brick and mortar companies bugging about the bad boy wonder you all know but love to hate, Luke Ford. He apparently was asking too many questions about skeletons in closets and the old vanguard was anxious about it to say the least. When they weren't complaining about Luke then most of them were upset about various web companies that had ripped them off.

Since we were one of the only companies that had not licensed out all their content and was managing its own facilities, I felt a certain confidence in adding another perspective to the mix.

Out on the beach, relaxing with a big Cuban stogie and thinking that we had finally "arrived" to be invited to such an event, a guy named Russ Hampshire walked up to me. Any one who has heard just VCA and Babenet has only heard the tip of the iceberg for all that was Russ Hampshire. The guy oversaw one of the largest adult media empires on earth, plus he had huge mainstream companies in things like media duplication and production. Anyone that jokes about people that work at McDonalds, well, Russ Hampshire learned a thing or two from it so be careful who you wish that on.

Russ strolled up and said to me, "Kid, you talk too much but you seem like an ok smart kid so I am going to give you some advice."

I looked at him and held out the chalice ready to recieve whatever wisdom poured forth.

"Keep your content. Don't ever sell off what you have and you will be alright."

The chorus of angels broke out in song. The sky became more blue. The false flowers of evil temptations that lay before us withered to dust and the new fruit of our labors blossomed on the vine instead. Our roots to who were are and where we came from grew stronger.

We have watched a lot of the old school video companies go under while their libraries live on in some of the most respected online companies today. We have seen brand after brand be stripped from the carcasses of those companies only to usually be discarded as meaningless. Even in the shakiest of times, that advice has served us well and been a cornerstone of our branding.

"Once in a while you can get shown the light
in the strangest of places if you look at it right"

Grateful Dead - "Scarlet Begonias"
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Old 09-20-2007, 08:12 PM   #280
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you should write books ;)


i would buy them
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Old 09-20-2007, 09:40 PM   #281
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GREAT READ

Far-L is the guy that gave me my break in the biz, he is smart, funny and an all around cool dude. It gave me the impression that everyone in porn was as decent as he is...then I met Ed Powers, but I digress

Farrell, I love ya man....congrats.
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Old 09-20-2007, 09:41 PM   #282
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now Im gonna offer up an easter eg


what does Farrell have to do with the movie "walking tall"
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Old 09-21-2007, 02:06 AM   #283
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Thanks for this great thread!
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Old 09-21-2007, 02:18 AM   #284
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you should write books ;)


i would buy them
He's currently working on an eBook, actually.
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Old 09-21-2007, 11:02 AM   #285
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now Im gonna offer up an easter eg


what does Farrell have to do with the movie "walking tall"
lol - good one - somebody would have to do some serious research to come up with that juicy morsel...

I guess the clarification is necessary for those that might not know any better that by "Walking Tall" Mike doesn't mean The Rock in the remake version but the original "Walking Tall" which was a very controversial movie made in the 70's and based on the real life story of a Tennessee sheriff named Bufurd Pusser. That movie was based on a book called "The 12th of August" by a guy named W.R Morris, who wrote a few other books including one called "The Stateline Mob".

Growing up, my brother and I were very fortunate enough to be sent to some of the best private schools in the country. Our pop had gone to the same school that Einstein and some of the other famous physicists had attended in Switzerland and education was critical to both our parents. Although our father made decent cash as an upper management career IBM guy, he was not the one paying for our education. Our Grandfather was on the hook for that. I always thought it was a bit strange that he had the loot to do that since he was a plumbing contractor but never seemed to work in all the years I knew him.

Our pops passed away, sadly well before his father. When our Grandfather died; therefore, the estate was left for my brother and I to deal with. Our granddad lived in Corinth Mississippi right next door to his brother. His brother was quite a colorful character compared to his plumber sibling. We used to hear stories about grocery bags full of cash that he had laying around the house and if we asked about them then we would be told "Oh, your Uncle Nelson is a professional gambler."

When we came to Corinth to deal with things, all of a sudden we started meeting all sorts of folks that we had never met before but who all seemed to know way more about us than we could imagine. And then they started asking us strange questions, like "Well did you boys know about your relations and your family history?" Finally, one asked "Did you know about these books?" So we went to the local bookstore in a dilapidated old mall that was soon to be annihilated by another Walmart and picked up the books. We started reading and did not stop until the last page was turned and the truth revealed.

Apparently, the sleeply little town of Corinth MS during the 1930's was known as "little chicago" for all the hillbilly hooligan shenanigans going on there. Running booze, games of chance, girls that would entertain a fella for the right price and a nice cold bottle of co' cola were all part of the Roadhouse scene. One particular Roadhouse where truckers would stop to lose their paychecks was particularly ornery and this is where a young Bufurd had his ass handed to him by some good ol' boys. There were actually a few buildings with some on the Tennessee side of the border and the others on the Mississippi side. Whenever the law would get to meddling too much then they would up and move one way other the other across the state line to deal with the problem.

Sure enough, the last name of "Timlake" kept popping up in these books starting with a guy named Clyde who everyone just called "Red" who was regarded as the founder of what came to be known as "the State Line Mob". Turns out Uncle Nelson ran the high stakes table in the classier joint.

Reading on we found that some of the people in the book had actually been coming by. One of them was a guy who had a reputation as a mean old sob who used to carry a ballpeen hammer to lunk drunks with and whose house had once been sprayed with a machine gun in some sort of territorial dispute. Now he was going through my Grandparents old antiques while his big billy joe bob friend stood at the base of the stairs with his hand tucked suspiciously in his fishing vest.

This was about the point we started to get really, really scared.

I am not really sure what I was thinking at the time but I became convinced that I needed a gun. I went down to the local gun store where they told me "your id is from California son so you are going to have to pick this up in two weeks." A complete stranger at the other end of the store looked up from the shotgun he was taking a gander at, "Oh don't worry about that - I'll vouch for him - that there's a Timlake boy." Five minutes later I was walking out with a galil .308 that is essentially the Cadillac of AK47s.

We finished loading out then pulled away hauling a trailer of old heirlooms from the back of my grandpappy's plush 5th Avenue. I don't think we let our guard down until we hit the desolate and flat for miles middle of Texas.
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Old 09-21-2007, 11:55 AM   #286
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you do write well man I love reading it....yer the shit bro...glad I know ya

and you know me...I aint one to pass out idle compliments
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Old 09-21-2007, 12:12 PM   #287
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you do write well man I love reading it....yer the shit bro...glad I know ya

and you know me...I aint one to pass out idle compliments
Thanks for the compliments but more importantly thanks for giving us the nod for the part we played in your career. We are way more used to folks quickly forgetting at best or besmirching us more typically in an effort to hide and deny their humble amateur entrance into the biz.

I want to tell that green eggs and ham story about Kulkis - Might be kind of fun to do my version then you add your side of it if you are up for it. Maybe Mark would even jump in to lay down his perspective...
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Old 09-21-2007, 03:41 PM   #288
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"Keep your content. Don't ever sell off what you have and you will be alright."
Amen, and nice story.
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Old 09-21-2007, 05:15 PM   #289
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This is seriously some of the best writing I've seen around here. Ever. Stories were coherent, long but not rambling, and grammar and spelling were A+

Plus it was damned interesting. Many thanks!
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Old 09-21-2007, 05:34 PM   #290
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Great Ambush!!!

And remember kids...



BTW, I guess I won your contest on page 3 (post 122-126), so please e-mail me the HGV Membership Pass so that I may fap to your content:

webmaster (AT) asiandivagirls (dot) com

ADG
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Old 09-21-2007, 06:59 PM   #291
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Great Ambush!!!

And remember kids...



BTW, I guess I won your contest on page 3 (post 122-126), so please e-mail me the HGV Membership Pass so that I may fap to your content:

webmaster (AT) asiandivagirls (dot) com

ADG
Sent notice to my man Homegrown Chris and he will send that along pronto! Congratulations, and happy fapping.
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Old 09-21-2007, 07:56 PM   #292
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GREAT interview Far-L!


THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-21-2007, 07:58 PM   #293
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Sent notice to my man Homegrown Chris and he will send that along pronto! Congratulations, and happy fapping.
Thanks! I'll be visiting the Dad in Seattle sometime in October, would love to buy you lunch and chat if your schedule permits...



ADG
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Old 09-22-2007, 04:10 AM   #294
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Thanks! I'll be visiting the Dad in Seattle sometime in October, would love to buy you lunch and chat if your schedule permits...



ADG
Honored, thank you!

Just let me know the dates and I will plan on it.


timlake at homegrownvideo dot com
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Old 09-22-2007, 04:57 AM   #295
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Great interview guys.
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Old 09-22-2007, 09:34 AM   #296
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awesome interview
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Old 09-22-2007, 12:29 PM   #297
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Greay ambush!

Now that Dave Stotts name was mentioned, this thread is now complete!


"GEDDY LEE IS THE BEST BASS PLAYER IN THE WORLD BRO!"


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Old 09-22-2007, 02:38 PM   #298
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No mention of sweaty butt dances???? Sad....
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Old 09-23-2007, 12:25 AM   #299
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No mention of sweaty butt dances???? Sad....
Oh hell ya... there are some tales to tell there...

Ok. First of all, I might get sweaty at times which has already been stated but I am not the only person that gets sweaty in Florida. Especially during the time when the Internext is going on in the hottest and most humid month during the entire year, there might be good reason to be sweaty. I just have a way of exacerbating the condition.

Back in the day, Homegrown Video joined forces with amateur porn innovators Wild Rose to create Homegrown Cams and we took our celebration of that union pretty darn seriously. After some sushi and enough sake to turn us into kamikaze pilots we decided to follow Danny's lead and jump on a small bus to take us to his favorite parrothead bar in town. I didn't realize there were quite a few of them but I should have considering that Florida is the mecca of Jimmy Buffet fans.

Danny knows how to pick them. The bar looked like Robinson Crusoe built it and staffed it with the saltiest old crusts he could muster. When you drank at this place the bartender drank with you... and not just you... but shot for shot with everyone else sitting at the bar. At one point he left to go handle a problem customer; some kind of hermit crabby old barnuckle had trekked in and was trying to scuttle the tips off the tables before the servers could collect them.

A posse of bartenders herded the guy out before the problem became any worse. The one tending our corner of the palm leafed shack was back before any one's drink went dry. Now that is what they call service in Margaritaville.

All of sudden the old tip pirate was back. This time he was sporting a length of 2"x4" to help collect his doubloons. Our bartender was explaining the merits of Irish barmen when he literally jumped over the bar mid sentence. He grabbed an empty Corona with a lime still stuck in it on the way over to use as a club. You may have heard the expression "walk softly and carry a big stick" but Teddy Roosevelt was no match against "carry a Corona bottle and hit low and from behind". The problem was dealt with within seconds and drinking returned to normal. If Jimmy Buffet was there then I am sure he would have written a song about it.

I didn't need any more excuses to go completely native at that point. I ordered a round for the bar. As soon as all my inhibitions were soaking in a puddle of booze we got back on the bus. I naturally had to cool off so my clothes started flying. I was sweating like someone left on the tub tap and trying to give people lap dances while the bus bounced along. I recall some rather spectacularly athletic pole moves from the luggage rack. I am pretty sure Buffet did write a lyric about it...

"When he was drinking a little
he'd pull his dick out an' he'd fiddle
in the middle of our bus like a goshdurn fool

chorus

he's a porn sailor, a chick tailor, and a frigging flailor but loves swimming
in hot water too
When he's not drinking rum, playing on his drum, then he loves, does love
more than a few
He might me a sweaty guy but don't wonder why you'll leave him high and dry
when he (finally) comes to...
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Old 09-23-2007, 11:26 AM   #300
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chorus

he's a porn sailor, a chick tailor, and a frigging flailor but loves swimming
in hot water too
When he's not drinking rum, playing on his drum, then he loves, does love
more than a few
He might be a sweaty guy but don't wonder why you'll leave him high and dry
when he (finally) comes to...
Damn. Have to remember not to post at night after partying...

typo "me" should've been "be"
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