Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

Let Me Steve All Over You

Today is my last day of ?Comedy School?. I really appreciate everything the teacher taught me. But I don?t think he was happy when I brought a sixpack of beer to class. I told him, ?Hey, I?m not trying to disrespect you, but TWO HOURS is a long time to ask me to stay sober!? Sitting in the front row of class and getting hammered was one of the last few things on my bucket list. I?ve dreamt about it since Jr High.

It turns out that he is a recovering alcoholic. I said ?Oh shit man, I?m sorry! I didn?t know.? I felt like an insensitive ass. So the next week I brought a bag of weed instead. He seemed better with that, so for graduation, I?m bringing an 8ball and three strippers!

They say the average man thinks about sex once every seven seconds. I call those men ?amateurs?. I actually worked for 10 years as a filthy pornographer. Oops, did I say ?filthy pornographer?? I meant to say ?FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER?!

Some people worry that producing porn in the US might get them unwanted attention from the government, the media, or radical religious groups. In fact, some people are so scared, they even hide the truth from their closest friends. But I for one am NOT AFRAID? to say that my name is John Doe, and I live at 123 Anystreet in Anytown USA!

Actually, in the porn business, I am known as ?Steve Lightspeed?. Except in the Philippines, where they called me ?Stee Rice-Pee?.

When I tell people I worked in the porn business, they immediately think I?m hanging out smoking cigars all day while horny naked girls lay around my pool waiting to have crazy sex with me. It?s really not like that. I don?t smoke CIGARS?

People ask me all the time, did you fuck your models? Well, yeah, I put their naked pictures all over the internet. THEY ARE FUCKED!

Actually, I never had sex with any of my models. There are good reasons I don?t have sex with 18 year old girls. Mostly, because they won?t LET me. Plus, a short dick, dirty underwear, and fear of AIDS keeps my pants ON.

I?m really a fairly conservative guy. I?ve been married to my lovely wife Shannon for 15 years. She?s in charge. I call her ?Shanra, Princess of Power!?

We recently just bought our dream home, but I thought the house was haunted. When I went to bed late one night, I heard a deep voice growling, ?GET OUT!? But it was just my wife. Whew!

My wife tries so hard to talk dirty during sex, but it just comes out in a blur of random dirty words, like ?Ohh, Yeah! Cock! Fuck! Cum! Lick! Pussy! Yeah Yeah Yeah!? I call it ?Pornstar Tourettes.?

Then she starts growling and making faces, ?GRRRR, ARRRRR, AHHHHHH!!!? I?m not sure if I should keep fucking her, or perform an exorcism! ?Say my name, SAY MY NAME!? ?Um, shanra??

My wife and I have so much in common; we frequently have the same thoughts at exactly the same time. For example, last night she said ?I think I?ll have a glass of wine.? I said ?That?s funny, I was just thinking about having a glass of wine, too.? Then she said ?Would you?d like to come to bed to fool around for a while?? I said ?That?s REALLY funny, I was just thinking about coming to bed to fool around for a while, too!? Then she said ?Give me a minute while I slip into my sexiest lingerie.? I said ?Holy shit, I was just thinking about slipping into your sexiest lingerie, TOO!?

My wife and I also have two beautiful children. I remember when my wife was in hard labor with my son, she was so doped up I knew she wouldn?t remember the experience. So I grabbed my video camera, and asked her how she was feeling. She apparently thought she had won an Academy Award or something. She said, ?I?d like to thank the hospital, my doctor, the fantastic nurses, and my wonderful husband, um, er, um? oh yeah, STEVE!

When my son was little, I think he picked up cursing from my wife. When he dropped his ice cream on the ground once, he shouted, ?FUCK!? I wanted to break him of that habit, so I told him that just earned him a 15 minute time out. He said ?I don?t want no FUCKING TIME OUT!? I didn?t really care about him cursing, I just wanted him to stop wasting all the fucking ice cream.

So when he turned eight he got his first computer. After he learned a little about the internet, he innocently typed in his name followed by ?.com? just to see what would happen. He came running to me, saying ?Daddy, I think I just found an ?inappropriate website?. Well, it was a softcore website, inappropriate, yes, but nothing too obscene. It?s just a good thing we didn?t name him ?College Fuck Fest?!

After that, I imagined the day when he is old enough that I will be able to show him the ropes of the porn biz. ?Ok, now SNORT THAT LINE, then FUCK THAT HOOKER!? That?s just a joke, don?t get upset. I?m just kidding. Everyone knows you can?t fuck hookers when you are coked out.

In the porn business, I?ve met a lot of women who love sex. But mostly, I?ve met a lot of women who love to get paid to pretend to love sex. Sorry to say guys, but it?s just not real. Girls Gone Wild?? Yeah right! They should call that shit ?Strippers on Vacation?.

I attended the big porn convention in Las Vegas. One night an ugly hooker came up to me and said, ?Do you need anything, Baby?? I said ?Oh yeah baby, I do need something!? She leaned in close, I whispered ?I need to know how to make an ugly hooker go away.?

We like to mess with new people working on their first porn photo shoot. One time I sent a guy to the store just to buy batteries, whip cream, some video tape, condoms, and a ping pong paddle. He called from the supermarket saying ?They don?t carry ping pong paddles!? I told him, ?I?ve bought them there before, tell the manager to look in the dildo aisle.?

I?ve been made to feel foolish too. I once paid $750 to go to the famous Playboy Mansion, only to stand around in the yard all night! I never even got NEAR the house. Now THAT is pimp! Nice work HEF! My new goal in life is to get some stupid asshole to pay $750 to stand around in MY yard.

I hoped to meet Hugh Hefner in person, but I heard that he charges an extra $10k to make a personal appearance at the Playboy Mansion parties. Now THAT is ULTRA PIMP. That fucker actually lives there. He gets paid to hang out IN HIS OWN YARD?

The biggest pimps on the internet now are the guys from Google. I love how ?Google? has now become an actual verb, like ?I Google?d your company?s name to get your phone number.? I?ve decided that my name should be a verb too. So ladies and gentleman, thank you for letting me Steve all over you. Now let me get you a towel.