The END of my STAND UP COMEDY career - GoFuckYourself.com

SteveLightspeed · 10-30-2008, 03:22 PM

My penis lies to me every time I pee. It SAYS it’s done, when it's NOT! I can imagine it whispering to my testicles, "Dudes, watch this AWESOME PRANK I'm about to play! As soon as he zips up and walks away, BAM!!! Hello "Mr Wet Spot"! HAHAHAHAHA!

And I fall for it EVERY TIME. “Oh, you got me AGAIN! That's so.... um... funny."
Yeah, my prick is a fucking COMEDIAN.

So last night, I went to the restroom right before I was supposed to go on stage to do my routine. But the damn door lock got stuck, so I was locked in the bathroom and starting to panick. I was supposed to already be in the wings waiting for my introduction. So I'm struggling with the lock, trying to unjam it. Now I'm freaking out. With all my effort, I forced open the lock. And at the same moment, BAM! My "comedian penis" decides to tell another "joke".

I open the door and realize they are announcing me RIGHT NOW and I have to run straight on stage. So as I’m running to the stage, BAM!!! OMG Not again!!! Oh yeah, AGAIN. I’m sure my balls are high-fiving each other over the hilarity going on in my pants.

So I'm doing my set, and I can feel pee running down my leg. It’s damn hard to tell jokes when your shoes are filled with urine. They never covered anything like this in comedy class! Like “Lesson 16, What to Do When You Accidently Wet Your Pants On Stage”.

Anyway, whether my jokes are funny or not, I've decided to go out ON TOP, and retire while I can still hear my audience laughing.

tony286 · 10-30-2008, 03:25 PM

I wish I lived close to you. I think we could of written some great material and shaped a real on stage personality. You have a very likable way about you.

Mutt · 10-30-2008, 03:51 PM

omg you're serious? that's what happened?

anyway whether you retired or not - you challenged yourself to do something and did it - so good on you

SteveLightspeed · 10-30-2008, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mutt

omg you're serious? that's what happened?

anyway whether you retired or not - you challenged yourself to do something and did it - so good on you

No, I'm not serious. Do you think if I really pissed myself on stage I would announce it on GFY? This is just more new material.

But thanks for the encouraging words.

Fresh · 10-30-2008, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

No, I'm not serious. Do you think if I really pissed myself on stage I would announce it on GFY? This is just more new material.

But thanks for the encouraging words.

now THATS funny

Ayla_SquareTurtle · 10-30-2008, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

Do you think if I really pissed myself on stage I would announce it on GFY?

Well I would certainly hope so!

TheAmericanCannibal · 10-30-2008, 04:28 PM

stick to the day job Steve...

Although you gave evan and I a great line while we were playing golf...
"We Steve'd all over our balls"

10-30-2008, 04:32 PM

well, the best decision you made this decade !
trust me on this !

d-null · 10-30-2008, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveLightspeed

My penis lies to me every time I pee. It SAYS it?s done, when it's NOT! I can imagine it whispering to my testicles, "Dudes, watch this AWESOME PRANK I'm about to play! As soon as he zips up and walks away, BAM!!! Hello "Mr Wet Spot"! HAHAHAHAHA!

And I fall for it EVERY TIME. ?Oh, you got me AGAIN! That's so.... um... funny."
Yeah, my prick is a fucking COMEDIAN..

these two paragraphs alone are comedy gold

use the george costanza theory and don't drag it out after that, I lol'ed

SteveLightspeed · 10-30-2008, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThumbLord

well, the best decision you made this decade !
trust me on this !

I remember something like that from when I started in porn. I think it was Hustler that said "There is no market for softcore."

Thanks for the motivation.

C H R I S · 10-30-2008, 04:49 PM

LOL... steve you f-n kill me.

stevo · 10-30-2008, 04:50 PM

Its funny that you pee yourself and your balls high five each other, but it needs a little more.

Show the audience how you solved the problem. How after peeing you now shake your penis to unconciousness and force every drop out. How the people in the urinal next to you are questioning if everything was okay. How you accidentaly got carried away one time and got into a (penis) sword fight with the guy in the urinal next to you. How your penis is paying you back with erectile dysfunction and herpes - even though you've never cheated on your wife before. How it really itches and you've concluded that your penis is really good at paying you back or your wife is a whore and is sleeping with the new pool boy. How the new wet spots on your pants aren't urine, but actually just a bad case of herpes blisters spew. Then ask your male audience to raise their hands if they have erectile dysfunction or herpes too. Then have their female partners raise their hands if they were lieing. Then ask them to keep their hands down if they have Aids and when they all raise their hands tell them you feel better knowing they finally all admit to having erectile dysfunction and herpes too and that you are glad you arent the only one.

And thats how you make a bad joke, even worse!

And then you can make jokes about those internet dating sites for people with STDs, erectile disfunction, etc.

Machete_ · 10-30-2008, 04:55 PM

Klen · 10-30-2008, 05:12 PM

I dont remember seeing Steve serious ever.

jscott · 10-30-2008, 05:15 PM

I wish I could've seen your shows Steve

10-30-2008, 03:22 PM	#1
SteveLightspeed Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Lightspeedworld Posts: 7,940	The END of my STAND UP COMEDY career My penis lies to me every time I pee. It SAYS it’s done, when it's NOT! I can imagine it whispering to my testicles, "Dudes, watch this AWESOME PRANK I'm about to play! As soon as he zips up and walks away, BAM!!! Hello "Mr Wet Spot"! HAHAHAHAHA! And I fall for it EVERY TIME. “Oh, you got me AGAIN! That's so.... um... funny." Yeah, my prick is a fucking COMEDIAN. So last night, I went to the restroom right before I was supposed to go on stage to do my routine. But the damn door lock got stuck, so I was locked in the bathroom and starting to panick. I was supposed to already be in the wings waiting for my introduction. So I'm struggling with the lock, trying to unjam it. Now I'm freaking out. With all my effort, I forced open the lock. And at the same moment, BAM! My "comedian penis" decides to tell another "joke". I open the door and realize they are announcing me RIGHT NOW and I have to run straight on stage. So as I’m running to the stage, BAM!!! OMG Not again!!! Oh yeah, AGAIN. I’m sure my balls are high-fiving each other over the hilarity going on in my pants. So I'm doing my set, and I can feel pee running down my leg. It’s damn hard to tell jokes when your shoes are filled with urine. They never covered anything like this in comedy class! Like “Lesson 16, What to Do When You Accidently Wet Your Pants On Stage”. Anyway, whether my jokes are funny or not, I've decided to go out ON TOP, and retire while I can still hear my audience laughing.

10-30-2008, 03:51 PM	#3
Mutt Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 34,431	omg you're serious? that's what happened? anyway whether you retired or not - you challenged yourself to do something and did it - so good on you __________________ I moved my sites to Vacares Hosting. I've saved money, my hair is thicker, lost some weight too! Thanks Sly!

10-30-2008, 04:49 PM	#11
C H R I S Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Marina Del Rey Posts: 10,845	LOL... steve you f-n kill me. __________________ C H R I S Retired Porn Veteran BH4L

10-30-2008, 04:50 PM	#12
stevo Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Orlando, Florida Posts: 2,051	Its funny that you pee yourself and your balls high five each other, but it needs a little more. Show the audience how you solved the problem. How after peeing you now shake your penis to unconciousness and force every drop out. How the people in the urinal next to you are questioning if everything was okay. How you accidentaly got carried away one time and got into a (penis) sword fight with the guy in the urinal next to you. How your penis is paying you back with erectile dysfunction and herpes - even though you've never cheated on your wife before. How it really itches and you've concluded that your penis is really good at paying you back or your wife is a whore and is sleeping with the new pool boy. How the new wet spots on your pants aren't urine, but actually just a bad case of herpes blisters spew. Then ask your male audience to raise their hands if they have erectile dysfunction or herpes too. Then have their female partners raise their hands if they were lieing. Then ask them to keep their hands down if they have Aids and when they all raise their hands tell them you feel better knowing they finally all admit to having erectile dysfunction and herpes too and that you are glad you arent the only one. And thats how you make a bad joke, even worse! And then you can make jokes about those internet dating sites for people with STDs, erectile disfunction, etc. Last edited by stevo; 10-30-2008 at 04:53 PM..

10-30-2008, 03:25 PM	#2
tony286 lurker Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: atlanta Posts: 57,021	I wish I lived close to you. I think we could of written some great material and shaped a real on stage personality. You have a very likable way about you.

10-30-2008, 04:28 PM	#7
TheAmericanCannibal Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 3,085	stick to the day job Steve... Although you gave evan and I a great line while we were playing golf... "We Steve'd all over our balls"

10-30-2008, 04:32 PM	#8
ThumbLord Guest Posts: n/a	well, the best decision you made this decade ! trust me on this !

10-30-2008, 04:55 PM	#13
Machete_ WINNING! Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 14,579

10-30-2008, 05:12 PM	#14
Klen Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Little Vienna Posts: 32,235	I dont remember seeing Steve serious ever.

10-30-2008, 05:15 PM	#15
jscott So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Taipei Posts: 25,198	I wish I could've seen your shows Steve