JesseQuinn

for real, I don't know how to handle this

I have been single in JA for months and have been having a lot of fun. good times, no strings attached

one dude I've been seeing told me he loved me today. I kinda already knew, was just hoping it would pass

even if I was not reconciling with my husband (the only person I have ever loved in that way), I don't feel that way about him

He's such a wicked person. we dance, speak in rhymes, talk real shit, just effortless awesomeness. He is a source of joy in my life.

He has been through some really tough stuff and I know the friendship we share is good for both of us. I don't want to lose the latter and I REALLY do not want to hurt him as he's been through enough already.

I told him I needed some time before I respond (and cuz he gets me he understood that)

so how do I handle this? is there a way to respond that would not hurt him or ruin our friendship?

I'm guessing no but any real advice to minimize harm to him would be so appreciated

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Mr Pheer

Be truthful. He'll respect you for that and you'll respect yourself.

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pimpmaster9000

tell him you have turned faggot...

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MFCT

"I love you." A guy will tell you whatever it takes. And people are most often a sucker for that one.

"I don't feel that way about him." That alone should answer any question you have about this situation better than anyone else could. You can stop reading now.

He's wicked and overall quite the charmer. But aren't they always? Even a swindler had better damn-well know how to lay the charm on thick.

He's a source of joy in your life. He's a good friend. That's great. Add to that, he's currently doing a bang-up job at fucking that up for you. Which begs the question, what else will he manage to fuck up in your life on down the road, if you allow it?

If you lose that friendship, he can thank no one but himself for that. You should have a clear consciousness. You weren't the one who decided to become pushy.

"I REALLY do not want to hurt him as he's been through enough already." Ok, so here he has you feeling it would be your fault if things don't work out the way he wants. In fact, he's got you feeling that you somehow you owe it to him to not hurt him. Exactly what kind of debt are you in with this guy? None at all, I would hope.

"He's been through enough already." Sweet, sweet sympathy, be still my beating heart. If you think about it, who hasn't been through enough already? Haven't you been through enough already? Losing a much-needed friendship would be painful to you. But how much of a fuck is he giving about that?

Don't be played. You're in a vulnerable state in your life. You're not ready for this yet, with him or anyone. And what's more, you don't need more drama and BS in your life at this point. There will be other friends who will actually be good for you, and won't become toxic.

Ghost this MFer and forget about him. I'm sorry for the loss of a meaningful friendship to you. But someone trying to take advantage is the absolute last thing you need in your life, with all that's been going on.

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JesseQuinn

thank you and I agree completely. my issue is how the fuck do I tell that truth in a manner that minimizes harm

that ship sailed long ago, I refuse to choose

I disagree with a lot of what you wrote but you said some stuff I needed to hear. thank you. a good friend would not push me, esp when he knows I'm not a 'fall in love' person and am trying to fix something that matters so much to me

thank you

to be clear, for the record, he's not a manipulative charmer. he's real, the kind of person where no matter what they say you can trust that is their truth. I really do love him, but not in that way. and I don't think he meant anything other than telling me that he loved me in that way when he did it. we already fuck, talk, have so much fun. it's not like he'd get anything extra from me for saying those words.

I don't love him in that way. that I needed no help deciding.

props for everything you wrote though, there are absolute predators out there and you not knowing where my head is at, you're following the girl code (looking out for each other). respect

what I'm asking for some help on is how to phrase my reply. To not cause any more harm than the reply itself will, esp when he is dealing with some shit that is absolutely real.

thank you all for your replies

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MFCT

You're welcome. I'm talking to you the way I'd talk to my GF, if she wasn't my GF but needed advice. I think you may be over-thinking this situation. Ghosting would spare you the burden of letting the MFer down gently, and would be something he'd figure out on his own anyway.

If he's supposedly been through so much already, he should have a thick skin & can handle being ghosted. If not, then all the more reason to ghost the MFer.

If you must say something, be short simple and to the point. And THEN ghost.

"Hey bud, how you doing? You know, I'm not into playing games. Middle-school is long gone. So I'll just be straight-up with you. I'm with somebody else now. And that person is the only one I give a fuck about spending any time with. So, see ya around."

Put your time and energy into finding that person. You've spent enough time and energy dwelling on this situation, more than it deserved.

Again, I'm sorry for your situation. Good luck to you and put this burden out of your mind.

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Spunky

String him along and after you find a new one, rip out his heart and stomp on it like the rest of the she devils do

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Klen

Just lie and problem solved.

PaperstreetWinston

Just dont play mind games with each other. Be honest all the time. If you respect each other this way, you'll remain friends even if you're no longer together.

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Sly

He's in a bad place.

If you care about him at all, you need to end it. That's in, completely ended. Not friendship. He will just hang on and torture himself with the hope that you'll change your mind.

If you let him cling to that hope, you are only using him for your gain and severely abusing his emotions.

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astronaut x

Oh boy. Asking "guys" on a porn forum about "love" .....

LOL

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CaptainHowdy

Book him a room in Heartbreak Hotel . . .

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JesseQuinn

yeah, really not my style but if I ever decide to embrace being a selfish biatch I'll keep this in mind

^^^word

I am going to tell him the truth and I doubt we will be able to still be friends for the reason you describe. which fucking sucks. but yeah, truth, no mind games. He's a smart, gorgeous and kind man, just not for me in the way he wants things to be. and I don't think it will be possible to turn back the clock on what he said.

I don't really have any men in my life I can talk to about this: Kingston is the type of city where if you sneeze some person you've never met before asks if you've gotten over your cold. I don't want to hurt him more than I will with my reply, no one here needs to know about this.

thank you all for your thoughts. gonna do this today. fuck.

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blackmonsters

Sounds like he got you to "drink the Koolaid".

Please haul ass and don't look back.
These "supper nice" guys are just waiting to explode with anger/violence.
The nicer a man is the bigger he explodes when shit doesn't go his way.

RUN!

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Diomed

Bladewire loses again.

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King Mark

This is called the "honeymoon phase"

From life experience, it's a trap. Especially with the sobby ass back stories and shit.

I might be wrong, but it's better safe than sorry.

You guys can love the fuck out of each other, no reason to ruin the friendship with a exclusive relationship.

Just tell him straight up that you don't have the same feelings. If he gets butthurt, you dodged a bullet. If he takes it like a man (which he should if he supposedly been through a lot) then you good.

Rochard

Hit it and quit it. Easy.

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bloggerz

depends, do you cook?

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Boozer

LOL.. What?

So based on you theory, guys who are outwardly angry/violent are really nice guys at heart?

It sounds like a chick cant win either way.

JesseQuinn

I get what you mean, sob stories are the foundation of negative relationships and should be assessed for validity vs manipulation

not the case here: his mom, dad and youngest brother died in a car crash two months ago. I was there with him, through all of it. no manipulation.

thank you for the bolded part esp, so many people don't get this

I bit the bullet and we went for a walk. told him the truth and asked if we could find a way to be cool with me feeling the way I do. he was really upset so we walked in very palpable silence but then we started talking. or rather singing as a car drove by playing Kartel.

he has some educational goals he wants to pursue and I know that world. So whether or not we stop having sex (I think quiting heroin would be easier) we have a new focus. Operation T taking over the world. I hope this works, us hanging out with me proof-reading his papers, bouncing ideas off me for essay topics?

and then model walking down the street cuz we don't give a fuck

I dunno if this will work, wish me luck.

I would never subject anyone I even remotely care about to my food. unless you want some sliced fruit. I cut a mean kiwi

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The Porn Nerd

Bottom line is this: you want the relationship on YOUR terms, not his. You know his terms - love, and all thos goes with it - and you are not cool with that. So what you are REALLY asking is: how can I manipulate the situation so I get what I want and he will be cool with that? And you're afraid if he's NOT cool with being pigeon holed into your definition of friendship/love then he will split (like any self-respecting person would).

You can leave things on good terms, there doesn't have to be big drama. But if YOU respected HIM as much as you want HIS respect then you would, for HIM, end this 'friendship'. Once the line is crossed (and he crossed it, going into Love Territory) there's no going back. He may bury his feelings and pretend to "just be friends" but he will ALWAYS have that secret hope that you will, one day/someday, fall in love with him.

If you DO care about him then set him free and end this friendship now. Anything less is just selfishness and neediness on your part, and kinda cruel to your "friend". But this is the risk you take when you fuck your friends, to be honest.

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King Mark

^you want to talk about it bro? You can pm me

The Porn Nerd

Haha!! Only if we can eat Ben & Jerry's and watch a Lifetime movie together. :D

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King Mark

I'll bring the weed

JesseQuinn

@PN i'm down with your post totally. I am being selfish for not wanting to lose someone important to me. at the same time I don't want to abandon him when he has lost so much. this is where I'm hoping us parring over academia can bridge the chasm between what he wants and what I don't

have no idea whether it will work. I think it's worth a try though

as an aside please record your and DE's sensitive boys night in. just fuck hard to burn off the ice cream calories and make sure you click record when you set up the cam. half the time I forget that

for real ya'll, this is a serious thing for me. thank you to everyone who posted with thought and insight

gracias and hope you all have a wicked night

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LetterTwenty7

"I love U2... the band"
Time will tell, as always. No need to fake it if you don't feel the same way.

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freecartoonporn

1) the friendship is over, if you say no. (so be prepared)
2) dont try to play any games.

3) tell the truth.

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